First Fate, then cancer

In late 99 and into the first years of the 21 century, I was in grad school at IU, having returned as a late student; another point in my life where a serious medical problem had grounded me, and brought me new challenges, new choices.

I was in the MIS program--and truly I'm sure I never belonged there. i loved the literature, I loved the theories that grounded the design process, the look and function of a page, I loved contemplating whether a gazelle was a document. To this day I am a Jacobsite thanks to Elin. I'm a baum of e-commercial theory because I've been to Howard's end...and those references will only make sense if you're a Hoosier Slizzard.

In my free time, I would chat on the relatively new Gay.com--their chat rooms were woolly and wild, lots of guys from all over, usually looking for sex and filthy chat, and all sufficiently far enough away and either cognitively or keyboarding challenged enough to be no threat to me, or my relationship with Charles--of course, there is always someone who stands out.

I first met Scott online, and we had a quick chat rapport. Enough that i would look for him and engage him anytime I could determine he was online. His avatar photo was frustratingly small and all I could figure was that I liked the color of the wall behind him and the bank of windows I could see, What he truly looked like, though, hardly mattered. He had that quick wit and suitably self-aware sarcasm that I truly love.

Over the period of a year or so, perhaps a bit longer, I typed a hell of lot of conversation to Scott--and he to me. I remember the topics as broad, far ranging, a lot of poetry--we quickly found that we had the lit thing in common, had Dickinson in common, loved Plath in common, were affected by poetry in common--let me just shorthand and say I was so seriously interested in him! It became part of the day's highlights to talk to him.

But I was in a relationship.

Nothing happened, but depending upon your definition of cheating, it did--I mean, I started to have an emotional connection to this faceless guy, a thrill to the work of his mind--Scott was the first guy who completely understood with no background information why "Lesbos" could be my favorite Plath poem! About 100% of the rest of the world just said "huh?" whhhhut?

We lost touch though--and there are various reasons for that--the one I remember is that I could see nothing was going to come of this online relationship and I was putting a lot into something that would never be anything...I was ready to keep myself engaged in reality, not fantasize away on possibilities. I'm consistent this way. I have no problem daydreaming twice, but if it doesn't come true by the third time, I'm completely no longer about it. It's--whatever it is--over. That was about 10 years ago.

I didn't realize that late 2012 was going to be such an incredibly eventful time for me, but it was--my relationship of 16 years ground to a halt; not a bad halt, but halt nonetheless. I decided that, given that being nearly 52 was akin to being a corpse in the dating world, I'd have to join a site that engaged people like me, who had had my experiences, might possibly think as I do, or at least not care that Lesbos is my favorite Plath poem but not disdain the choice--or the fact that I HAVE a favorite Plath poem--at all. I tried to keep my expectations in check.

Within a couple of weeks of joining I was idly looking at profiles one night and there was one that lept out at me--a guy in San Francisco. Now, frankly, that was no recommendation given that I live in Indiana--and a gay guy in San Francisco is--to my mind--like meeting a glutton who lives in a bakery. I might be prime time cake for a guy my age, but it's hard to compete with the 600000 of them who live in San Francisco.

But I looked--and liked his picture, and his description, and found him interesting, and went on. Telling a guy who lives in SF that he's cute is like telling him he can walk--he's heard it before.

On this site, if one is a paying member (and both of us were), you can see who has looked at your profile--and I could see that he could see that I had looked because he looked at mine. But no message--typical SF guy! Can't see that geography is just a fact! Ah, well, so what....

But the day after, there was a message--just a fateful one--asking me if perhaps I used to chat on gay.com under this username--and I did, and that one small message is how we reconnected.

I'm not a guy who believes that the universe is made of rules and laws. I believe that behind any apparent structure and rationality there's a buzzing fetid soupy mix of magic and fate and karma and kismet and chance all banging into one another, throwing off sparks and starting fires, destroying and recreating. The universe I live in is--while not god-headed--a place where any god I've heard of might enjoy a home. Ultimately, I believe in something but I believe it's far too hubristic of us--any of us--to pretend we understand what that guiding intelligence is.

Do unto others, stay to the right, share your cake, do well when you can, act well when you're able, give when you're uncertain--those rules guide me.

When I look at Scott now--7 months later--that's what I see--all of those quarks, sparks and circumstances colliding into one big message--second chance idiot! second chance!

I know now that during virtually all the time we've had together that I've been sick--and most of the time didn't know it. That we began under the oppression of cancer but I thought I was free and healthy. I broke my push up record at 350 in one session! I was jogging in San Fran when I visited, though I couldn't abide running outside in Indiana. I felt--I thought--energetic, except for the funny problems I kept having with my tongue.

The fact that he was there during 18 hours of surgery tells me that he knows how that message from the universe went, too--though he tried to pretend at first that he didn't. Briefly. Once I've made my mind up, I'm a difficult man to say no to, nay, rather impossible, When I know, I know for you and me, Decisions and effectuation come easily to me, I'm a Scorpio. We don't eff around with this stuff.

Fate, then cancer. I think I couldn't have asked for a better way into Cancerville than to hold someone's hand as I walked in. Who knew that it would feel good to offer to NOT hold someone to their promises of love only to have them grab your arm and walk into the Cancer metro with you. Scary though that walk is, I've promised in return to get us the hell out of here as soon as I possibly can.

Everything I do aims to accomplish just that. For both of us.