Room and a view

I have an incredibly nice view of downtown Indianapolis from my room, which they tell me I will lose soon. This means that I will lose my nursing set who are incredible, the view, and the fun we've had--but it also means I don't need ICU, and that's an thumbs up I'll not fail to mention.

I've spent the day viewing my body through the eyes of others--as a set of numbers to some--blood sugar, blood pressure, weight, and so forth--as a marker for conditions--good flaps, swelling, response to stress--as a teaching tool for the students at the Med school.

This morning, for the first time, I saw my image--quite a surprise. I resemble a cartoon character, one with the odd jaw, the big circular cheek to one side, the rather pendulously swollen neck. I was neither shocked nor alarmed. This is clearly what 18 hours of surgery on delicate structures will do. It won't go away tomorrow, either--the biggest surprise is the strength of the mental image I had of myself as looking rather like I always do. That map of the self is such a powerful and calming possession.

I'd say I look like a monster but you might take that the wrong way. The quote that Scott included in the banner of the site is from one of my favorite Bugs Bunny cartoons, wherein being chased by a dysmorphic hairy monster, Bugs turns around, whips out a manicurist's table and starts doing the monster's nails.

We can discuss or argue all day the relative gayness of Bugs Bunny, but an opposition to my viewpoint that the rabbit was Charles Nelson Riley level gay will fall on deaf ears. To my young eyes, it wasn't even subtext, or subversive. That rabbit taught me on both sides of the scale who and what I was, wasn't, wanted and didn't want.

I am in perhaps the least camp of all places and yet I'm thinking of the most camp things--a lisping rabbit, a man's vanity being challenged, a man's life changing from normal to monster to normal again.

The monsters in Looney Tunes were, let's face it, a pretty lovable crew. Their idiosyncrasies defeated them long before Bugs arrived to finish them off. They existed in liars that were set on the right turn that took the place of the left that should have happened at Albuquerque. The rabbit was simply the turning of the key in the lock that kept them from bothering society at large.

I think of cancer as a hairy monster that was more successful with me than it was with Bugs. Lucky for him, things can be drawn in and erased out and involve no meter of change with which to deal. Bugs' tumor won't need to be excised and his body won't have to change to demonstrate where and how it has worked to realign its normal.

Is it okay that I laughed when I saw my cartoon face? I hope so. We monsters do lead such interesting lives....http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=acfx4orazEk